Busta Rhymes
"Pass The Courvisoier"


Watching Chris churn out reviews like a Mennonite on speed churns out butter, I felt that I should put a few cents of my own into the pre-relaunch bonanza. Where better to start than with Busta Rhymes?

If you said, "uh, actually, there's probably a lot of places," then you're right, but hey, take what you can get. I'm a busy man.

Okay, now that the requisite "busy man" lie hath been perpetrated, on to content. Busta Rhymes has had his fair share of remarkable videos--"Dangerous" is a ridiculous kung-fu fish-eye classic of the form, "Woo-Ha!! Got You All In Check" is minimalist mayhem, and "Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See" is tribalicious. Let it be known now that "Pass The Courvisoier" shall also join that echelon of distinction, if only for its total, utter weirdness.

The song itself is conventionally catchy Busta. A bit of Puff--er, P. Diddy's guest rapping falls short, but the track is mostly Busta and his beats, kickin' it like an unwanted cocker spaniel. But this isn't about the music: it's about the media. And what media it is. To begin, Busta and his crew are kickin' it 1940's gala style; tuxes with tails, debauchery beneath pool tables, and delightful dance halls abound around every corner. The party really doesn't get started until Mr. T shows up. Yes, it seems Laurence Tauread, aka BA Baracus, aka Clubber Lang, aka Inspector Collect, has thrown his lymphoma helluva far tonight and has decided to party up with the Flip Mode Squad. This ain't no youth center, though, as Busta and friends are about to find out. For whatever reason, about a minute into the video, the song stops, and we head outside into a seedy alley...where totally random crap happens. Busta gets in a shouting match with a hefty black woman who has finished off the Courvisoier, looks a lot like Starr Jones (please tell me it's her? That'd make my day.), and throws a wicked left hook. She beats him up, bada-bing bada-boom, soon enough the music is back up and the whole crew is sauntering forward down the alley in a truly lush tracking shot with some damn lovely figure composition. Where do we go from here? More clubbin'...but that'd be dull. The name of the song is "Pass The Courvisoier," after all, so there best be some passin' going on.

And lo, the Lord said unto them: Let the courvisoier be passed.

Through a series of Wellesian tracking shots, we learn that the bottle of Courvisoier has some sort of strange teleportation powers, as our heroes end up in a Japanese pagoda complete with willing geishas and surly sumos. Brawling ensues, because Busta wouldn't be Busta without gratuitous kung fu, and the video's brilliance is sealed by having Puff Doody or whatever the hell his name is sit on a couch and fend off dozens of ninjas by...sitting still and apathetically blocking their assaults with a fully loaded bottle of the magical drink. I have never seen someone turn in such a bored, deadpan, and yet utterly perfect 15 seconds of performance. Really, go to MTV.com and check it out. You'll giggle. Or at least want to go get trashed and clobber stereotypical minorities. You'll also be very proud, because after seeing it and perhaps writing a review of it, you too will know how to spell "Courvisoier," and that will make you feel like life is worth living.

"Pass The Courvisoier" passes with flying colors. Oh man, I'm good.

reviewed by Paul Pugliese

Weezer
"Photograph (Live)"


The third video in a row to use principally live-performance footage. The music industry gets cheaper by the day. Couldn't we have a huge CGI Tyrannosaurus in here to spice things up?

It's fashionable now to hate Weezer. I still love 'em, even if they did ride the comeback train on the "strength" of their lamest album. But my God, this video called into question quite why I'm so fond of them. "Photograph" is one of my favorite songs from The Green Album, and it's also one of the spunkiest; but this live performance is limper than Mick Jagger's lips (the terrible sound mix isn't doing it any favors). The set's uninteresting, they look dwarfed on the stage (band members too. far. apart! No chemistry! No love!), and for all their silly rawk poses, it still feels like they're going through the motions. That could be a good sign. The last time Rivers got paralyzed by success and started to cry all the time, we got PINKERTON, a spectacular album if ever I heard one. But my great fear is that this video marks the dawning of the next aeon of Weezer: boring arena-rockers who've gone right past ironic suckage and into plain-old-fashioned suckage. Or maybe I'm a paranoid loser, since this is the album's go-to-bed single anyway; MALADROIT comes out in the spring and we'll see and hear the truth then. But the W do themselves no favors by keeping this fat slice o'boredom on the airwaves. This is why I hate performance videos. Pull it, pull it, pull it.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Kid Rock
"Lonely Road Of Faith"


Because nothing says "Hang in there, American troops" like a drugged-up porn-star-bangin' cracker with a mullet.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Nine Inch Nails
"The Frail / The Wretched (Live)"


Right, well, we shot that whole "two reviews a day" thing right to hell, didn't we? To make up for it, here's a brief review binge.

Our buddy Trent recently put out a giant brick of live material, in the form of two alternate live album releases and a live DVD, all from his show in New York City on the FRAGILITY 2.0 tour. MTV2 is helping him whore his product (as well they should -- MTV owes Trent big-time for producing some fine video content over the years, and they sure as hell don't look to be playing him on the central network) by broadcasting a clip of the DVD, and thus, we have "The Frail/The Wretched."

Now I can't lie: I find it extremely hard to dis the man who brought us "The Perfect Drug." So my review's probably pretty biased. But I found this to be an acceptably interesting performance video that's enjoyable to watch. Most of you probably have me pegged as a hypocrite by now, considering how often I rant about boring performance videos, but I really have no problem with them if they're actually videos of a live performance, i.e. soundtracked with a live track and filmed in front of a living, breathing audience. That's where rock magic happens most, not on an L.A. film set. And while I can't exactly say that this performance is an example of The Spirit moving through the room, I will say that the T&R Music Factory seems to put on quite the show. The lighting's spectacular, the live arrangement is flawless, and everyone involved seems to be having a good (if Goth) time.

Mind you, there are moments when it all seems a little absurd. Trent's sweating a whole lot harder than perhaps he should be (how old is he now?), and the backing band (though musically quite excellent) are like parodies of an industrial act. Depeche Mode may be one of my favorite bands, but I still laugh my ass off every time I see a keyboardist trying to rock out. YOU JUST PUSH BUTTONS, MAN. COME TO TERMS WITH THIS. One of the guitarists especially irked me, with his "Whee, I'm Ziggy Stardust!" facial makeup that actually just made him look like an out-of-work cast member from CATS who picked up a Gibson. It wouldn't kill you to shed some of the decadent trappings of the past, Mr. Reznor, no matter how much fun it is to play dress-up. But as long as the makeup doesn't interfere with the rock, I'll keep my misgivings to myself.

And on one final note: Originally released in the fall of 1999, I think this song marks the last time a white rock musician sang about his inner pain without having a rap or turntable involved.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Creed
"My Sacrifice"


My sacrifice, indeed. It pained me to watch this video.

Somewhere in Scott Stapp's vision of grandeur, he believes that there is a piece of paper, written mostly in old-world legalese, that says "In the event that Jesus cannot perform his Christly duties, it is hereby decreed that the lead singer of a crappy rock band should take over his role." (Ed. Note: This piece of paper is currently in the private collection of U2's Bono.)

I wonder how the Pope feels about Scott declaring himself as Jesus. I mean, it was obvious with the whole "Arms Wide Open" thing that he was gunning for the job of Savior. And now, well it looks like he just decided the job was his without anyone officially giving him the title. I can imagine the Pope watching this video and saying "who died and left him boss?" while watching Stapp invoke every symbol and image that is associated with Jesus.

Now, I'm an atheist. But even I know that somewhere in the ten commandments it says something about not worshiping false gods. I think this applies to self-worship, too. Bad, bad Scott. Breaking a commandment.

So you have the water images, the fish, the raising from the dead... all that's missing is a dalliance with a questionable woman. I think the Pope might be, as we speak, writing a cease and desist letter to Creed. I mean, they may forgive him for his bizarre performance during that odd halftime show in the NFL playoffs, and they may forgive him for stealing from Pearl Jam (thou shalt not steal) but this video... I think Scott's got a lot of repenting to do before they let this go.

reviewed by Michele C

Alanis Morissette
"Hands Clean"


Ladies and gentlemen, we now present to you a rare, step-by-step walkthrough of how FUCK MTV! generates its video ratings, using Alanis Morissette's "Hands Clean" as today's example.

(1.) Turn On The Television. Any video I find there instantly starts out at Zero Stars. Go figure.

(2.) A Video Begins. I see Francis Lawrence's name in the credits. -1 Star. The entire video also appears to be taking place inside some kind of television screen which looks shockingly like the one in Radiohead's "Knives Out." -2 Stars.

(3.) Alanis Has Problems With Some Kind Of Older Man. I think about removing a star -- oh, get the fuck over it and become a lesbian already -- but then add two more stars because I figure out why the hell everything's on a TV screen -- this is, in a sense, a "making of" video. Isn't that cute. At least there are no hoochie dancers, so it's already a far fucksight ahead of most of the crap I see. We have reached equilibrium at 0 Stars.

(4.) Alanis Writes A Song About It. Oh God, I see an acoustic guitar. -1 Star.

(5.) Alanis Records The Song. Now, normally this would be considered a crime against humanity and we'd be right around -5678 Stars about now. However, while she sings, she's doing that cute "I'm having a stroke" head-neck-body shake that Thom Yorke stole. And God knows I just can't resist epileptics. So we're back up to One Star. It is, however, worth nothing that nobody's studio looks like that, nor do they ever have that many musicians in one room at once, generally, nor are those musicians rocking out the way these guys are. They're session boys, they don't give a shit. But whatever.

(6.) Alanis Shoots The Video. Wait, I thought this was the video. I'm confused, and when I get confused, I get angry. I consider marking down to Zero Stars until Scott Thompson from THE KIDS IN THE HALL makes a brief cameo in drag. Five Stars.

(7.) Alanis Releases The Single. The cover of the CD features her, and she is moving around and singing on the cover, which is a terrifying break from reality. The single is also selling at an alarming rate, which is another terrifying break from reality. Each break causes a loss of one star, bringing us to Three Stars.

(8.) Alanis Goes On Tour. Another one to shove in the Crimes Against Humanity file; however, my brain then reminds me -- in a haughty, snide tone that I simply do not approve of -- that Alanis Morissette was the first rock concert I ever went to back in 1996. I begin to cry and miss the rest of the video, as it is blurred through my tears. I cannot bring myself to punish Alanis for this, as it would simply reflect poorly upon me.

(9.) The Video Ends. I am shocked to discover that I did not mind this video at all, and maybe even sort of liked it. Desperate to be curmudgeonly, I subtract a star because Bjork's "Bachelorette" is a similar and far superior video, and it's cooler to like Bjork than Alanis. With credibility intact, I bang this review up on the website and go drown my sorrows in Coca-Cola and peanut butter cookies.

Oh, you really want to write for us now, don't you.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Jimmy Eat World
"The Middle"


You may recall that the last time I reviewed a Jimmy Eat World video, bile poured out of my every available orifice. I was a bit cranky that day, to put it mildly. I still maintain that "Bleed American" is a forgettable song and a corny, cliched video. But "The Middle"... ah, now we're getting somewhere. Now we're being served the kind of power-pop we deserve. It's getting to be pretty trite to refer to "The Middle" as an 80s teen anthem, but hell's bells, people, there's just no other way to put it. This is the song that John Hughes hears in his head. And every time I hear that riff chug onto my radio, I'm seized by an overpowering urge to eat marijuana brownies in detention and have my name legally changed to Bender.

But I digress.

"The Middle" is a clever self-help-platitude-rockin' emo/fratrock pop song. Cool beans. But how to make a video that will satisfy both your bespectacled, gas-station-shirt-wearing hardcore fans (the ones with Dashboard Confessional tattoos -- wouldn't Mom be mad if she knew? -- and Saves The Day stickers on their Trapper-Keepers) and your newfound beer-chuggin' college pals? The solution's too simple for words, and I want to shake the hand of the director who thought of it: naked people. See, your emo fans will understand that nudity's all scary and intimidating, because they all have issues with their body image anyway, and they'll feel the pain of the video's nice scrawny protagonist as he tries to fit in at *gasp* a college party ("Dude, college is like so totally terrifying. I don't even wanna think about it, I just wanna stay here in Austin with you guys." "Word, man, totally... dude, we'd better hurry or we'll miss the rock show!"). They'll cheer on his decision to be nonconformist at the video's finale. And they'll appreciate his super-cute hand-in-pocket girlfriend P.D.A. Meanwhile, our friends the frat dudes can just check out all the cool naked girls. And beer. There's lots of beer.

Plus, there's a fat guy in this video, and everyone can laugh at fat guys.

All kidding aside, this really is an astoundingly clever video for a band that needs desperately to have it both ways if they're ever going to be popular; it plays with all the right anxieties and pushes all the right basic humor buttons for its intended viewership. The misanthropic image-manipulator in me approves, as does the savvy marketing man. God damn I love being pandered to.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Linkin Park
"In The End"


Oh Linkin, what has happened to you? Does someone remember my glorious review of the first Linkin Park video I saw? I am referring to the live version of "Crawling". After a lot, and I do indeed mean a lot of repression, I am finally ripe to admit- Linkin Park are live, kicking and oh god, not this, one of the most mainstream bands of 2001. It's not that I didn't realize this earlier, because I truly did, but denial was kicking me hard in the head.

It's very difficult for me to admit that a band I liked turned mainstream. Evil, bitchy kind of mainstream. The kind of mainstream that your classmates who other than Linkin Park have took a liking to Britney Spears and Shaggy. It's terror in your mind, really, to hear those people humming "Crawling". All this diversion might have not bothered me, but I did wonder why a live video would attract them. So I tuned myself to MTV for approximately 10 minutes before the truth was revealed- they have a real video. Yes they do. And it's the evil mainstream creation.

And what am I trying to say in all this ignorant babbling about LP turning mainstream? That if "Crawling" didn't prove it (I am in denial of "One Step Closer", really. "Papercut" was rarely shown and the whole red thing depresses me. They released a new video, "Place for my Head" or "Points of Authority", don't remember, which is currently live. So I'm waiting...), then this video will. As someone most likely said- Wut is up wid dat?! I mean hello. HELLO. I know I know I know that mainstream groupies (I am not necessarily degrading mainstream, I do like some very popular music, but at least when I started liking it, it was already well known amongst us) will open their teeny mouths and go "Woo! Pretty effects!" but all I can say is ... No. Absolutely not.

They haven't really done this. Soon I will wake up to find that every single Linkin Park video is live only (because, what can I say, they kick some live ass), and that "Crawling", "Papercut", "One Step Closer" (with denial) and now "In The End" never ever happened. Living in illusions, much? I'll elaborate. All this psuedo high end effects just... SUCK. They fucking suck! Someone get Linkin Park a better video director. You won't fool me with this shit. My teenybopper friend said "Wow. 'In the End' is an amazing video. How did they do all those beautiful effects? It's, like, the best video EVER!" ... Get the point?

Star #1 goes purely for the great song. Star #2 goes for Mike Shinoda. Nuff said.

reviewed by May

Britney Spears
"I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman"


One shite turn deserves another, I suppose.

My friend Dan and I were just talking about Britney today. Yes, we actually do just sit around talking about Britney Spears. Well, not just Britney. Proust too. (I'm not kidding. Don't you hate college students?) We were discussing her new album -- in particular, we were discussing just how unfathomably dire "I'm Not A Girl..." is, and how for all of Britney's hot (ooohh, how it was hot) air about how BRITNEY would be a virtual smorgasbord of new sounds and a completely different approach to teen-pop, the whole damn thing just sounds like bad cover versions of "Stronger" (with the exceptions of "Slave" and "Boys," the Neptunes tracks which just sound like an unfortunate cross between everything else the Neptunes have ever done and a lo-fi porn soundtrack). And while "I'm Not A Girl..." bears no resemblance to "Stronger," it does bear an uncanny resemblance to "My Heart Will Go On," "More Than That," and all the other craptacular ballads that have glutted the pop marketplace all throughout the '90s and well into the '00s. The lyrics are trite, the music is unoriginal. What rough beast could be low enough to sink to this level?

Now the video for "I'm Not A Girl..." has slouched towards Bethlehem to be born. The darkness drops again. And lo, somehow the visual accompaniment makes it even more atrocious, as it is replete with FAR too much Soulful Gazing Into The Camera and altogether too much Moving And Majestic Scenery, as well as Multiple Clips From Britney's Appalling New Film "Crossroads." I use caps to indicate the subtlety of the clip, which is roughly akin to the subtlety of a sledgehammer murder. The tragic thing is, all of the video's quasi-powerful imagery of Britney looking thoughtful, slutty, and thoughtfully slutty (cf. the green frilly nightgown scene) adds up to nothing: the video assembles no emotional whole, and indeed is interchangeable with any video in which a boy band sings soulfully from the mountaintop about how they wanna git it on wit joo. Sweeping helicopter shots, check; immersion in water, check; flares of sunlight, check. It's the identikit video, hastily compiled from the stock visual cliches of deep-feeling to arrive on your televisual doorstep just in time for your holiday deep-feeling needs. In short, it's no good.

O Britney, duplicitous goddess of the unfulfilled come-on. Wherefore art thou, you much-heralded princess of the New Pop Aeon? Mere months ago we were screaming your name, begging for release. But your big makeover can't amount to squat, honey, as long as you're jeapordizing pop's evolution with this piece of throwback trash. Give Max Martin the slip once and for all, get yourself a real producer (I'd pay good money to hear Brian Eno give it a go), and you could tug on some heartstrings with the best of 'em. As it stands, you're just blocking our coronary arteries with this revolting fatty buildup; and without another solid hit, you'll be no stranger to fatty buildup. Just ask the guy whose jumpsuit you borrowed in Vegas.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Radiohead
"I Might Be Wrong"


Now this is an odd little beast. No, not Thom Yorke, silly, although he does appear to display more genetic mutations than Wolverine, The Elephant Man, and Donatello (the one that does machines) put together. No, the odd beast I refer to is this, our second clip for "I Might Be Wrong." Earlier in the year we were subjected to a wanky internet-only video, and now they've put together a television-ready clip for the ostensible purpose of promoting their new live EP, entitled -- and this is a left-fielder -- I MIGHT BE WRONG.

Now that *seems* quite sensible. But this clip features the studio version of the song from AMNESIAC, not the live version anyone who shells out for the I MIGHT BE WRONG EP will get. If the video's supposed to make people want the music on the EP, it fails miserably, because (a.) it doesn't contain the music from the EP and (b.) the video itself doesn't make anybody want anything other than a nap. It's boring. It's uninteresting. It's too Radiohead for its own good, much like its predecessor. It features nothing but shots of the band members in the dark. Occasionally, director Sophie Muller reaches deep into the bag of accomplished auteur tricks and pulls out a golden oldie: the multi-image refracting lens made famous by Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." That sucks, people.

"I Might Be Wrong" is a great single. And the I MIGHT BE WRONG EP is great too (I promise I paid money for it. Really. Honestly. What is this "Mor-Fee-Us" of which you speak?). But this... this, my friends, is crap. Unless you treasure every drop of goo that leaks from Thom Yorke's lazy eye, you can switch on over to BET when this one comes up in rotation. I know I will. For I have a burning need to see "Girls, Girls, Girls" for the 905,678th time.

reviewed by Chris Conroy