Dido
"Hunter"


Hrm. Whenever I start watching a new video by a fairly good artist, I always try to find out the hidden meaning behind their video, as if to not humiliate myself when I go about reviewing them. This works well for both U2's "Elevation" and R.E.M's "Imitation of Life", that I did not grasp nor realize quickly enough, and had to get the Chrismeister to explain it to me on this site, by his review. I'm quite certain that Dido is very much smart, and that there is a hidden concept that'll make me scream 'Brilliant!', but as for this moment, this is just a really colourful and boring video.

'Stan' obviously had a point. But it wasn't quite a Dido video at all. 'Here With Me' ended to explain us that Dido was just dropping everything to go to her boyfriend. 'Thank You' was a whole video based on one line of the song. After at least a trio here, how could I expect anything mildly interesting or sophisticated from her? I just can't. You must agree.

This video showcases Dido basically chasing around herself, her alter ego, or whatever. I am stupified. Dido #2, the chasee, keeps looking back grimly, or with a hint of an evil smile, whilst Dido #1, the chaser, looks quite lost and unattended. Beyond that, we really don't have a video here. What are shades of purple and green if not a quick mislead to the teenybopper girls (and even guys) of this world? Beats me.

Now, where's that metal appliance?

reviewed by May

Michael Jackson
"You Rock My World"


I am sad right now.

It was 11 minutes or so long. It had Marlon Brando. And, much like Michael Jackson in the attached picture, it sucked.

20 minutes ago, I was excited. I had a feeling, some weird intangible sensation, that Michael Jackson was making a comeback. That, come the end of October, Invincible would be exploding onto the charts, selling millions, and making him an amazing star again. Not to be.

I am a huge fan of 80's Michael Jackson, as are most other people in the world. Thriller and Off the Wall are two utterly amazing rock/pop albums, and everything else he did then was pretty damn swell too. And when it comes to dancing and video artistry...well, let's just say that ol' MJ deserves to be one of the patron saints of FUCK MTV! His videos were one of the reasons videos became popular. Who doesn't remember "Thriller," or the dancing under the lampposts from "Billie Jean," or the knife-fight and the guy with the really fast shaking head from "Beat It"? Like it or not, MJ and his videos are the kind of landmark things that stick in your mind.

The only thing I'm going to remember from "You Rock My World" is that Marlon Brando continues to be quite fat.

There are stars here. Brando, Chris Tucker, Michael Madsen (though Mr. Blonde doesn't say a thing, just kinda snarls funny-like in his powder-blue blazer) lead the way, and of course, Michael Jackson. There's a story, where Michael follows a beautiful young girl to a seedy club that features snarling gangsters, and stuff burns, and Chris beats some guys up, and Brando says about 3 or 4 words, but really, we're not here for the story, although MJ's videography tells some great stories. We're here for the dancing.

He doesn't fucking dance.

It's a Michael Jackson video, and he doesn't fucking dance.

Let's get this straight: the song sucks. Plain and simple. It's the same R&B pop pap that most of the genre is turning out now, and it's actually worst than most of all that. But if the video was something else, if MJ busted out the glove, the moves...all I'm asking for is a little moonwalk. And nothing. He moves, yeah, and I suppose he dances, but it's all automated, slow, rigid, military style dancing. He seems to be running at 40% speed. For fuck's sake, Chris Tucker dances more than MJ does. Marlon Brando doesn't dance, but if he did, he'd probably have enough momentum in his blubber to keep it going longer than MJ. I really don't know what to say to all this, except that it's not the way to go about a comeback. They do a good job of keeping MJ's hat in front of his face to hide his terrifyingly contorted, twisted, up-turned nose, half-pig, half-Helena-Bonham-Carter-in-Planet-of-the-Apes visage, and there are "cute" shout outs to past videos (re: Chris and Michael sitting at a bar, watching a girl walk by, and Chris saying "The girl is mine;" or the subtle little flipping a guy over straight out of "Smooth Criminal), but it ain't nearly enough to keep this thing watchable. Maybe the short form plays better, but I don't see how it could. There's not even enough content in these 11 minutes to fill 3.

I don't think Michael Jackson's an awful person. He's a genius of some form, or at least was once. And now, we have proof that when genius dies, it dies hard.

One star, for pity. And Marlon Brando.

reviewed by Paul Pugliese

Britney Spears
"I'm A Slave 4 U"


First off, let's give a round of applause for that classy-ass screenshot up there. Britney Spears is... SWAMP THING. Works for me.

And now, "I'm A Slave 4 U." For the record, this song is about being a slave to dancing. Yes. Ahem. In the words of Lorne Michaels, "Riiiiiight." But you must admit that Da Brit is all about da dancing in this video, which is set in an Asian bathhouse / nightclub / steamy place of sexy things where underwear models prowl. Speaking of which, I must give plenty of credit to Britney for discarding the traditional teen-pop plasticine set, packed with translucent primary colors and crazed disco lights. You know, the kind of set Hype Williams masturbates to. And speaking of masturbation...

Wow. You must also give Britney credit for having the balls to act out on screen every one of the nasty, dirty fantasies her image has been linked with ever since she strode into our living rooms two years ago wearing nothing but a schoolgirl's uniform and a smile. Face it, people (or at least those of you in our audience who walk around on three legs), you've wanted to do everything that gets done to Britney in this video for the longest time now. Jesus Christ, she spends the climactic moments of this video buried in a seething pile of half-naked twenty-somethings who are LICKING HER. This couldn't get more explicit if Justin Timberlake crashed through the ceiling and banged out a pearl necklace on her.

The Super-Slut image may not be as daring now as it was ten years ago when Madonna first let the world take a peek at her gitchy-gitchy-ya-ya-ta-ta, but Britney going so fast, so young is unquestionably a new benchmark in the media portrayal of teen sexuality (note that I specify "media portrayal" -- I think we all know our generation is about a thousand times filthier than Britney's wildest quasi-erotica), and that takes a lot of daring, because the backlash is going to hit fast and it's going to hit hard. We've seen her catch shit about her boobies before (and I hear there are certain sites online where you can swap that "about" for "with"), but "I'm A Slave 4 U" will undoubtedly incite a whole new wave of prudish asshole-puckering.

That is, if it's popular. Her disastrous attempts at getting her freak on python-style at the VMAs may have put a severe lower-back cramp into her Kama-Sutrastic ambitions, at least in the public's eye. And despite all my libertinish sexual mores, I do have to raise an eyebrow when I realize just how young the fanbase she's leading unto temptation is. But if this is a world where Eminem can teach us about artistic responsibility, then we need to consider Britney on her assets (hee) alone. And on the strength of this video, I'd say that Britney can slut with the best of them, and good for her. She never said she was a role model, folks, just an entertainer, and now she's an adult too. It would in fact be fair to say that she's an "adult entertainer." Her job is simply to keep them -- er, it -- coming. And she does her job well.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
"Fifteen Feet Of Pure White Snow"


This video is eerily reminiscent of a New Year's Eve party held in my parents' basement sometime in the 70's. As a matter of fact, Nick Cave has the same hairdo my dad had back then. And I think that's my Uncle Vito with the white shoes.

It's a typical dance hall party, everyone high on the spiked punch and dancing like they left their inhibitions in someone else's video. But then, it suddenly turns from 70's pre-orgy dance to a sublime horror movie as Cave leads the crowd in a devilish dance of the manic. Watching the revelers leaves you with a god-awful feeling in the pit of your stomach, as if you know something very very bad is happening, you just can't figure out what.

Is this the dance of the living or the dance of the dead? You want to know what happens next. Do they dance until they tire out and fall on the floor? Do they realize they are snowbound and eat each other to stay alive? Or does the line dance from hell they are performing call up some crazy ass god who delivers them all to Dante's Inferno?

Or, perhaps, the 15 feet of pure white snow alluded to is just cocaine and they're all high. Whichever one works for you.

Ed. Note: This video is available at nickcave.net

reviewed by Michele C

Jay-Z
"I.Z.Z.O. (H.O.V.A.)"


And now is your cue to scratch your head. For mere moments ago, I slammed DMX's "We Right Here" for simply being another of those damn rap videos where the thugs and the adoring public bounce. And yes, that's pretty much the driving motif of "I.Z.Z.O. (H.O.V.A.)", too. However, there are two important differences.

First off, Jay-Z is, like DMX, vying for the "king of hip-hop" crown, and with this video, unlike DMX, he acts like it. DMX just stands around acting sort of tough, while Jay-Z has already claimed the throne: he takes a victory parade through town, hangs his likeness off of monumental Romanesque architecture, and sells merchandise with his face plastered all over it. That, my friends, is the methodology of a kingpin. And while I know part of DMX's entire ethos is to avoid the bling-bling nonsense of most hip-hop, you've got to at least visually assert your dominance in a manner other than curling your lip and throwing your shoulders out. Jay-Z has done just that.

And the second important difference -- the people in Jay-Z's video look like they're having FUN. Everyone in "We Right Here" has a stern look of concentration on his or her face; Jigga's people are all smiles and shouts and boogie. We get blue skies, water pistols, and giggling children, three tropes very rarely seen in the customary rap world of blackest night, .45s, and snarling teens.

Once THE GREAT DEPRESSION hits, we'll see which video methodology speaks loudest to the people. But I know which camp I belong to: the one that has a little room for camp.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

DMX
"We Right Here"


Every time I see this video, I keep thinking "man, I have to review this. It's so dry and boring and uninteresting, I can't let it escape unscathed." But now that I have it pinned with my bloodied paws... I've got nothing. Really. I mean, this video is just too unoriginal and nondescript to even muster clever mockery for. Even the song is boring, coming nowhere near the splendor of "Ruff Ryders Anthem" or, hell, any other moderately interesting DMX track.

Much like almost every other DMX video, it simply features him and his gang of indeterminately useful thugs bouncing up and down slightly and looking aggressive, while people ride motorcycles nearby. Honestly. That's it. Oh, and some of his adoring public also bounces up and down and looks aggressive. It's in widescreen with red borders, and that's pretty much the only original thought on display here. If you're planning to take over the rap world through massive sales, DMX, it helps to have your audience be awake to buy the record.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Five
"Let's Dance"


Forget what you know about me. Erase all memory of my history of music liking, and think clear. May gave Five (/5ive) four stars. Four. That's quite it. I am not on the unsensible side, and I don't have a fever.

Ever had that thing where you get a song that swings you to a great moment in your life? I have a band that does that to me. It's not as if I like every song of theirs to pieces of sugary sweetness, but I do love a lot of their songs, and the following, a techno mix to quite an hilarious (to my foul taste) video, is definitely a swing backer.

The video presents us the boys, fluttering around, at first. Normal dance routine, think very much boyband, with a missing member (Sean) as a cardboard doll. Damn foonie for the easily amused. Quickly before you turn to switch a channel, you see the real idea, the boys are making the video while being in the video and in a large room with their (apparent) director and crew. All through the video you'll see the making of it, with switching scenes, to their order.

Things I liked to focus about was the hilarious looks on their faces when something they didn't like happened (read: dancing men in the back), or the utterly idiotic look on Ritchie's (that blond guy) face as he kept on singing. No, really. That made me laugh.

And hello, in the version that you can hear them talking (some are just subtitled), it's british! And who can resist a british accent? I don't know, but it surely isn't the one behind her computer, respectively.

reviewed by May

R.E.M.
"All The Way To Reno"


I'd intended to review this video a couple months ago, and give it only three stars. I'm glad I didn't. Because today, I put on my copy of REVEAL and listened to it while I was folding my laundry. (It's a good record for that sort of thing, by the way. And that's not an insult. It's just a very pleasant thing to listen to on a sunny, domestic day). And when I got to "All The Way To Reno," listening to it on CD for the first time since July or so, I noticed a strange thing: I liked it a whole lot more than I ever had previously. The first time I'd heard the song, I wearily thought "Sigh. Another poor choice for the album's second single" (No band in the history of time has ever picked the right second single for their album, IMHO. With the possible exception of "Mysterious Ways" off U2's ACHTUNG BABY). And after a moment's thought, I realized why I had come around. It was the video.

Originally, I'd conceived of the song as I believe it had been written: an ode to a hapless loser who has no idea what he's in for in the big bad world. I picture a blond-haired cowpoke in dusty jeans and lame boots with a guitar and a stupid smile, hitching his way across Nevada to his "certain" stardom. But when Michael Moore signed on to direct the video, he took a more optimistic tack, and set it in high school, the land of big dreams and certain ambition. While the action of the video may consist of little but R.E.M. acting goofy and singing songs, the sheer energy and vitality of it is inspiring -- when was the last time you saw REAL high schoolers in an MTV video, not twenty-three-year-old dancers in halter tops and daisy dukes? -- and it has reshaped the song for me, decidedly for the better. And that's a pretty tough thing for a video to do. Plus, Moore let those actual high schoolers do the camerawork. THAT's something to have on your film & production resume at sixteen, eh, kids? So I salute you, "Reno." Maybe I was wrong about you after all.

By the way, sales of REVEAL are still criminally low. Go buy it, you pack of arseholes.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Depeche Mode
"I Feel Loved"


Oh, there's no question now. I'm getting soft in my old age. My twentieth birthday is only six months away, you know; I'm a fuckin' geezer. Hand me my Geritol and my Billy Joel albums. (No, I'm serious. Hand me my Billy Joel albums. I actually like him.) In harsher, more cynical times, I'd probably be hitting this video with the "Merely Adequate" two stars, despite my great and overwhelming love for The Mode. But what can I say? While ol' Fast Fashion here have remained resolutely bleeding-edge (I mean, come on, their frontman only kicked coke n' heroin four years ago, and he's almost forty! That's effin' hardcore!), I have mellowed out into a big old sissy-man, easily amused by a dark atmosphere, some overused slo-mo, and a bunch of barking dogs. Because really, that's all we get here other than strong background lighting. The whole "concept": DM play in a hot, sweaty Chinatown club while the cops come blasting through the door armed with furious German shepherds (I'm telling you, officer, Dave Gahan's clean now). Then, apparently, they just sort of lose interest and leave. I'm not quite sure what happens, honestly (Have you noticed how often videos seem to force me to say that?) -- the dogs just suddenly become a non-issue and nothing more of consequence happens. DM just keep on playing. Sounds weak, doesn't it? When taken as a whole, though, the video does strongly compliment the dark, pounding rhythm of the song. Even if that it is pretty much its only selling point (besides the security guard who looks like Cameron Crowe).

The moral of the story? Twenty years on, DM are still, musically at least, doing what they do best. I'm chickening out and handing out the wimpy three-star rating far too much. Oh, my rock and roll dreams...

By the way: One of these days, I'll write a review for this site without using parentheses. Just you watch.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Coldplay
"Trouble"


You know, for a new, young band, Coldplay do some startlingly good videos. I think we can pretty much agree that the stark simplicity of "Yellow's" concept and execution was a beautiful thing. "Shiver" may have been a straight-up performance video (which I think we know my views on), but the lighting was nifty (Look! Shiny things!). And our very own May gave "Don't Panic," an animated offering, five stars. Now, CP have returned with another animated video for their latest (and hopefully last from this album -- come on, boys, back to the studio!) single, "Trouble."

There's a truly fascinating blend of live action and computer animation here that makes for a strange kind of stop-motion vibe. I'm not a film student, so I'd have to ask my roommate the animation major just how they did it, but the overall effect is beautiful. The actual storyline and events are less striking, unfortunately -- pollen flies through the air, Coldplay ride in a cart, a girl waters her flowers, and some kind of huge evil crow sort of destroys the world a little, it's kind of hard to tell -- but I think the director was banking on all the pretty-pretty being enough to keep you entertained. At the moment, it works for me. This might not actually be a four star video, but it is different from everything else out there (in a good way -- nobody wears wigs like Mary J. Blige's but you don't see me giving "Family Affair" a high rating, do you?) and I haven't given a truly positive review in a while. So why not?

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Weezer
"Island In The Sun"


So then. Spike Jonze and Weezer, together again. I can't believe they even tried it, myself. As it is physically impossible for anything in the history of pop culture to top "Buddy Holly," it seems like a bad idea to ever put two of the three vital components of that apocalyptically great video together in the same place (the third component, of course, was The Fonz, who is sadly too busy appearing in Adam Sandler movies). Thankfully, they avoid a potential calamity by quietly, politely underachieving. "Island In The Sun" is not a great video. It doesn't even TRY to be a great video. Spike pretty much just dumps Weezer -- minus bassist Mikey Welsh, of course, who was otherwise occupied with making the word "Weezer" appear in the tabloid press for the first, and last, time ever -- on a sunlit grassy hillside with a bunch of cute baby animals, points the camera at them, and then goes out to get some coffee.

Luckily, the lion cubs have all the charisma that Rivers Cuomo doesn't have -- is it just me, or does he look very caveman-ish in profile? -- and puppies have never hurt a single music video, ever. Think about it. If you can prove me wrong, please, send me an e-mail. chris@doyoufeelloved.com (The best suggestion wins a prize). There are cheap shots, of course -- I regret the use of the monkey, to be honest. Monkeys are overexposed right now. But on the whole, sunshine + baby animals = good. Look at that, people. That's math. And math don't lie.

Sometimes, Spike Jonze is sublime, sometimes, he's so simple it's sublime, and sometimes, he's just simple. But "Island..." is still a properly fun three and a half minutes that perk up an otherwise bland single. And I don't mean to dwell on tragedy, but boy, we needed some cute little animals right now.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

R. Kelly
"Feelin' On Yo' Booty"
(0 stars)

Look. Mr. Kelly, your haircut is ridiculous, you are dressed like Santa Claus, and your video is fucking boring and does not contain a single new, interesting, or creative element. It is all just bitches, bubbles, and cars. It sucks. You have angered me. Get off the fucking air.

Sometimes, it's just that simple.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Nelly Furtado
"Turn Off The Light"


I can't describe how wrathful it makes me to hear and/or see "I'm Like A Bird" on television or radio now. I'm sorry, but that song grates on me profoundly -- overexposure will do that for you. This, however, is a pleasant change of pace. I've got a lot of respect for anyone who tries as hard as Nelly Furtado does to do something new with their music. There's not a whole lot of theoretical innovation going on in this video, but there is a pleasingly off-kilter sensibility that compliments the oddness of the music.

I snort in derision at the muddy DJ, but otherwise, all the weird little visual hooks of this video hit their mark -- the subtly reversed film and doctored frame rates, the widely varying color palette, even the Gabriel Garcia-Marquez breakdown in the third verse (That's the best description I can come up with, people. I'm an English major, remember? I'm a snooty literary bastard). There just aren't enough men in hoop skirts on MTV these days, and God bless Ms. Furtado for striving to correct that deficit. Four and a half minutes of hip-hop inflected, politely moderate strangeness work for me in the era of the soulless David Meyers rap video (man, I'm tired of that shithead). Good stuff.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

U2
"Stuck In A Moment..."


Weep.

This song is a beautiful gospel number about the loss of a treasured friend to suicide. So of course, one should make a video about football players with obnoxious CGI and a cameo by John Madden, right?

Artists of the world! STOP GIVING JOSEPH KAHN MONEY TO MAKE VIDEOS!!! Sweet mother of Christ! It's only going to get worse!

There are a few redeeming frames to this video -- the anguish at the core of the concept is somewhat relevant and affecting, even if it is buried under a pile of ridiculous crap. You get to see Larry Mullen change his facial expression for the first time since 1991 ("You're going to call the album WHAT?!?"). And The Edge once again proves that he missed a career as a slapstick silent-film star. But otherwise... no. Just... no.

There was a European video for this song that was classy and dignified, directed by Kevin Godley, and this is a song that has become very relevant to a lot of people in the wake of Tuesday's tragedy. Please, please, U2, MTV, anyone with any control over this: Strip this godawful abortion from the air and give the people something they can hold on to.

reviewed by Chris Conroy