Weezer
"Hash Pipe"


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm relatively certain that this is TRL's first song about transvestite prostitution, although of course TRL is no stranger to prostitutes. I'm still staring at the screen in slack-jawed awe, unable to believe that The Big W (a.) pulled it together enough to put out another album and (b.) actually became MORE popular than ever before on the strength of it. I'm happy, mind you, Weezer do kick monster booty. Though I wish Rivers would stop bitching about PINKERTON, because it's a great goddamn album.

You know, nothing in the above paragraph pertains to the video at all. The song's stripped-down and ugly, and so's the video -- nothing but a wooden room, Weezer, and some sumo wrestlers. Yeah, sumo wrestlers, and we're not sure why, nor does it seem that anyone involved with the production knows either. But they sure do jiggle and hit each other a lot, which actually compliments the brutality of the song's riffage, so I'll stay quiet. It's also the first time anyone who is not rail-thin has gotten airplay on MTV in the last 18 months (excepting commercials for THE NUTTY PROFESSOR 2), so it's a big victory for fat people's equality. The sumo wrestlers alone would've left this video at a "Merely Adequate" two stars, but it does indeed work for that third -- the fabulous rawk poses of the guitarist and Rivers' Ric Ocasek lightning-bolt guitar-strap homage take the whole affair the extra mile and place it firmly in the "Admirable" category. It's fun to watch and fun to listen to. Even if it is still about tranny prostitutes.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Tool
"Schism"


I'm going to make this short and sweet, because I'm going to have to spend the rest of the day fleeing for my life from rabid Tool fans. All I can say is that every Tool video I have EVER seen involves people in freaky makeup in a grey room having horrible things done to their bodies while entirely forgettable music plays behind it. I am sure they are fine and talented young gentlemen, and I don't begrudge them their success, but THEY BORE THE SHIT OUT OF ME, and repeating the same video with different prosthetics and sets over and over again does not a groundbreaking visual style make. The prosthetics are neat, yes, and they do a wonderful job of mixing grey paint, but I'm sorry, nothing else about this whole "Schism" affair interests me.

I'm gonna go change my address now.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

U2
"Elevation (Remix)"


...Ummm, OK. After snoozing us to sleep with one of the least interesting videos ever made, U2 finally decided to kick out the jams again, releasing the best track on their new album (should've put it out back in December) as a part of the TOMB RAIDER media blitzkrieg. And speaking of blitzkriegs... my GOD there's a lot going on in this video. Most of it thoroughly ridiculous. The "storyline," as it were, is that The Edge has been kidnapped by U2's evil dopplegangers, who, it bears noting, wear black leather, have superpowers, and can fly. Our world's kind and gentle U2 apparently just have nice fashion sense. Anyway, The Edge is now trapped inside the TOMB RAIDER movie, being bodyguarded by Lara Croft while Bono, Adam, and Larry try to fend off the villainous advances of Evil-U2 in our world. They do this by riding motorcycles, blowing up taxis, and shopping for groceries. My head hurts. It looks to me like more money was spent on this video than Bono convinced the G8 to give up to Third World debt this year, so karmically, he's fucked...

It's all just too absurd for words -- if you thought Bono's Flying Crotch Circus in "Discotheque" was over the top, you ain't seen nothing yet. There are flying elephants and not-so-subtle injokes and lots and lots of fire. "Gods!" I scream to the heavens, "You cannot hide the soulless core of our popular culture from us by dressing it up all pretty-like in explosions and costumes and... is that a giraffe? Cool... NOOO MUST MAINTAIN RIGHTEOUS ANGER!" Fine, I'll admit it. It's ridiculous and reprehensible and all those R-words, but god DAMN the song's awesome, and if you really poke me, I have to admit that the video is, in fact, quite a lot of fun. God, I feel like such a whore.

reviewed by Chris Conroy