Radiohead
"I Might Be Wrong" (Internet Clip)


Radiohead piss away the usefulness of the best track on AMNESIAC by releasing it as an internet-only video (You'll need Quicktime, kiddies). Le sigh. It really is a great song, but instead, the boring-ass "Knives Out" will be their next single & video (However, that video will be directed by Michel Gondry of Bjork's "Bachelorette" and The Chemical Brothers' "Let Forever Be" fame, so it may not be a total washout).

So, what is this video's story, then? Well, you get four minutes of patented Radiohead imagery -- all sharp jagged-edged abstractions and fascist-state icons -- along with some fire and a bunch of really, really dumb shots of Thom Yorke done with a fisheye lens. Baaaaad idea. He looks like even more of a freakish dwarf than usual, which is saying something. If they'd just let this lie as a fully-animated abstract video, it would actually be pleasant enough and would just chug right on by. But the downright absurd shots of Yorke caterwauling in Wayne's World - style extreme close-up kind of ruin the mood. No, not kind of. Totally.

Le sigh again. Gotta love that guitar riff, no matter what. If you're a total Radiohead junkie, then go click that link (and if you love this thing wholeheartedly, then consider buying some new records that are not written by insane people), but if you're not, give this a miss and use the download time on some high-quality porn instead. Or just get the MP3, sans atrocious waste of the record company's money.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Alien Ant Farm
"Smooth Criminal"


Michael Jackson is the kind of pop icon you can make fun of and pay homage to in the same breath. Alien Ant Farm manages to do both in the video for this song, a remake of Jocko's 1987 song about umm... bloodstains. And someone named Annie. And a window. And yelling "aaow!" a lot. Anyhow.

The video serves up every bit of Jackson cultural memorabilia to be had. Moonwalking, sidewalks that light up, pet monkeys, self immolation, crotch grabbing...it's all here, delivered with geeky white boy moves. Is it satire or is it tribute? Is it parody or is it homage? Who knows? Who cares? Because Alien Ant Farm delivers, making this video a joyful ride through the weird and wonderful world that is Jocko’s mind. And it’s fun to watch Singer Dryden Mitchell fluctuate between a painful grimace and what seems to be passion, but could be constipation.

But this is the thing about this video: somewhere, in the dark recess of your brain, in the little corner that holds your gene for bad taste, you like Michael Jackson. You had the white glove. Just admit it. While watching this video, you know you are part of one big inside joke, the kind that says "Hey! I was a faux disco geek in the 80's too! I can moonwalk! I can breakdance!" And viewing this remake of possibly the greatest and most misunderstood MJ song ever, you have the sudden urge to dig through your closet in search of the white glove and red leather jacket. You're bad, you're bad. You know it.

reviewed by Michele C

Fear Factory
"Resurrection"


As part of our relaunch festivities, each FUCK MTV! staffer is writing a review of their favorite video. This is Michele C's contribution.

In 1998, Fear Factory released "Obsolete," a concept album detailing a future where machine has won the war over man. There is a whole story that goes along with the music, written in the liner notes and played out in lyrics and pounding rythmns. The video for "Resurrection" is the culmination of the fight against the powers of the dominating machines. Set in a bleak post-apocalyptic future (is there any other kind?), the video takes us on a tour of rapid fire imagery suggesting a nightmarish world where people have no control. Basically, mankind has given up the fight. Except for this one guy who looks like Robocop and just may be the only person on Earth left who wants to fight the good fight. Everyone is busy worshipping giant electronic billboards that tell them what to do, or slipping into phone-booth like stations where they pay for fresh air. Sporadic images of Christ on the cross appear, and while one may think this represents martydom, a general Fear Factory theme, I think it has more to do with the death of spirituality. It's not really man who has become obsolete, it's that man has stopped believing in a higher power or a savior, and thus the machines were able to swoop down and conquer them. Once spirituality becomes obsolete, the world becomes a dark, mechanical place, devoid of any feeling. As Burton sings "All that I know, there was no God for me. Force that shatters all, absence of humanity," you see a world without substance, a world without emotion. Save for our would be hero who, at the end, is shown with arms stretched out, awaiting either his fate or his enemy. A good story made better if you listen to the whole CD. You can see the video over here.

reviewed by Michele C

Mariah Carey
"Loverboy"
(0 stars)

Oh. Sweet. Lord. Do you ever have those moods in which you exit viewing a certain video clip, and you feel prone to suicide? Do you ever have the need to break every possible thing in your way but in you're such complete shock that you just sit there with a twitching eye and a disgusted face, contemplating whether a quick tie up or a nice cliff could be usable? If you don't, just watch this clip. Do it. But I warn you.

The original reason why I didn't quickly flip away from the video was complete sacrifice. Since I'm such a nice person and I like many videos, I don't really have what to bash. I decided that since I had this feeling (I wonder where it came from?) that this video just won't be it, I should watch it. I had no idea what was I throwing myself into. Someone should've warned me. They should've told me I'd be in such pain. The consequences just never appeared to me. I didn't know.

For some reason, Mariah thinks it's okay to wear that. Why what she thinking? NO! Mariah! NO! You do -not- look good in 1/4 of the already small fabric you originally had, nor do you look good in extremely tight clothing, or whatever the hell that was. The teenybopper majority would probably suggest I'm jealous. They would. But why should I be? What is there to be jealous of? I wouldn't want to be caught dead in that. And now that I think about it, I can just slip into that damned suit and die in there. A shameful death, it is, but I bet it's quick, because even though it's obviously not good on her, she wears a -5. Or something.

In a more video itself tone, I must again ask, why? Why do you think that we, the at least semi sane people, a majority of MTV viewers (or so I was led to think-- you may part on that), would want to watch you, Mariah, half-naked, Da Brat (why would anyone want to look at him anyway?), in a goddamn car race clip? Didn't that outdate, like, before video clips were even created? Yeah. I thought so.

Lesson learnt: n0 st4rz f0r j00.

reviewed by May

U2
"Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me"


As part of our relaunch festivities, each FUCK MTV! staffer is writing a review of their all-time favorite music video. Here is Chris Conroy's contribution.

U2 have quite a track record of making entertaining videos whenever they can get a film's producers to cough up and foot the bill. You've witnessed the pyromaniac glory of "Elevation," and now, from the vaults (1995) comes another screaming rocker, the BATMAN FOREVER single "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me." Utterly unlike everything U2 have recorded before or since, "Hold Me..." is a weird little glam-rocker of a tune, all swirling violins and apocalyptic pronouncements from the Lord King Falsetto himself, topped off with one of your not-so-humble reviewer's favorite lines in the history of rock music:

They want you to be Jesus, they'll go down on one knee
But they'll want their money back if you're alive at thirty-three

But this is a review of the video, not the song. What a video it is. Animated from start to finish, with the exception of the entirely unnecessary film clips from BATMAN FOREVER added solely to milk the aforementioned producers of their cash, "Hold Me..." serves a fabulous double purpose: While giving casual viewers some savagely awesome visuals to take in whilst lounging around their living rooms in the dead of summer, it also provides fascinating "background info" for the hardcore U2 fan who'd watched all through 1993 as Bono seemingly went insane on-stage during the ZooTV tour. You see, during that time, Bono had taken to crafting bizarre altar-egos that he would embody on stage, in the great rock tradition of Ziggy Stardust et cetera, the main difference being that people understood what Bowie was on about. Foremost amongst Bono's little schizoid friends were The Fly -- a megalomaniac rock star in black leather and buggy shades (before you get all uppity at me, yes, the megalomania was a persona. Bono is a fine little short gentleman and I'll hear you speak no ill of him) -- and Mister Macphisto -- who was, umm, "different." Perhaps that doesn't describe him adequately: He was a white-faced, red-horned devil in platform shoes and a gold sequined leisure suit who taaaaalllkkkeeeed veeeerrryyyy sssllloooowwwwllly and prank-called the Pope. Critics went through the roof: The Irishmen had clearly eaten some bad potatoes.

But U2 fans, of course, knew better, and "Hold Me..." showed the world just what the hell Bono was getting at: the over-the-top comic-book adventurism of the video was, in fact, the creation myth for both characters. The Achilles Heel of The Fly -- his brazen need for attention -- is revealed in the video's acoustic middle-eight, as his hollow center is stripped bare for all to see and even Batman makes fun of him ("This man is a so-called rock star?"). Mr. Macphisto's origin is superheroesque and delightfully campy -- struck by a car while reading THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS, Bono is reanimated by a bolt of lightning to his hospital bed and presto chango! the Devil is amongst us. The Fly and Macphisto duke it out throughout the video as Gotham City is caught in the crossfire.

If you're not up for all this po-mo fanboy wankery, then hey, there's always that sweet animation and the badass Batman Orchestra to entertain you, as well as the coolest flying sports car seen in any video, ever. And a big fat wrecking ball. It's a summer blockbuster video with a brain, and sometimes, you can't ask for anything more. Kill me, baby.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Gorillaz
"19-2000"


As part of our relaunch festivities, each FUCK MTV! staffer is writing a review of their all-time favorite music video. Here is May's contribution.

One... two... hit stereo for "19-2000". Before getting ready to do my first video review in quite a while (gives you that v-vibe?), I must listen to the song itself. Oh, nevermind. It's the increasing logic that really scares me.

Anyway. A month ago, the swell comic brit group Gorillaz has decided to return to our screens (though that's quite absurd, they were there all the time) with a video for their second (some might say third, 'Tomorrow Comes Today' came out in the US only, i believe, but M2Europe liked to play it too) single from their thrilling self-titled album. I must say that this song is the knock out that made me rush to the store and actually buy the cd. Yes yes, May is the proud owner of "Gorillaz". Give up the enhanced CD non-fun (yet definite creativity), and you get a real joyful mix of the originality we were looking for so.

But! I'm reviewing the video, not the band. I think. On any case-- the video hits up with the obvious Gorillaz opening, a quick creation of name in red, and the guys (that'll be, for the uninformed, Murdoc, 2D, Russel & Noodles) jumping into a sweet looking jeep (I think it's a jeep, but I'm really not into cars, and if anyone decides to gang up on me for being mistaken, please don't, I'm a poor little creature). Quick zoom to Murdoc starting up the car, with a keychain rubick's cube (which holds, instead of colours, pics of the boys), and then a damned fine zoom (by memory alone) to 2D's face.

To go less into the details from now on (I'm too lengthy), we see them driving on a strange-looking road, which reminded me a very nauseating experience in a certain theme park, whilst Noodles sings up a few words which might seem chinese, but they mean the very deep-- "Get the cool, shoeshine". I ruined it all for you, now. Driving up, we see an alien spaceship trying to blast them, but on failure (Murdoc's a rad driver, y'all), they decide to blast up a gas station. Swell.

More and on, my favourite scene-- A moose (a deer?) standing in the midst of the road, is bothering the ways of Murdoc. In the special criteria effect, a great add-on to the jeep-- bombs (torpedos?). Quick heel up, which I really want to remember how Eddie called it once, and we're on now! An evil laughter, and there they go... But no, what is that? The moose (deer) sneezes, and our boys sent out to loss, at the bombs (torpedos) go right back, bombing the poor boys. Eventually we just see them burnt out (more than one meaning), small fire flash.

Lesson learnt: Never bomb (torpedo) a moose (deer). It's not healthy.

Lesson #2: In case you were wondering, each part I explained was me showing love to those parts. I did not fracture it quickly, I was completely abandoned. I'm just saying, if I love it, it's the best. Really.

reviewed by May

Bush
"Everything Zen"


Holy shit! This video is seven years old! We're really behind the pop charts now at FUCK MTV! Actually, this video was on VH1 tonight (Yeah, I was watching VH1. I apologize profusely and promise to become cool again someday soon) as part of one of their obnoxious unending "What's My 20?" shows. It's amusing that VH1 no longer shows videos at all anymore; they just air shows about videos. But I digress.

Anyway, I was shocked to look into the hazy past and realize, if not for the first time, just how ridiculous the grunge movement really was. I mean, my God, our national smoke-machine and white-floodlight reserves must have been dipping perilously low in 1994 after years of unbridled consumption by first-time video directors from Seattle. Watching this video also finally made me understand why so many people accused Bush of being Nirvana rip-offs. Mind you, I don't see why this would've been a problem -- by the time Bush put out SIXTEEN STONE Kurt had already installed his cranial skylight, and you really need SOMEthing to listen to while loathing yourself and society in equal measure, and come on, only queers, Goths, and sissies listen to Nine Inch Nails (Author's note: before you kick my ass, I do too), so a Nirvana imitator should've done you up nicely. But shit, I digress AGAIN.

I hereby decree this video to be The Least Original Video Ever Made. It contains all the ridiculous grunge cliches -- the aforementioned smoke-and-spotlights, unfocused shots of ordinary things (that makes them "unsettling" or somesuch), a few shots of one of the director's friends messed around with in post-production to make them eerie, and some body parts. All lit from below, of course. I'm still giving it two stars, though, because despite being riddled with cliches, it remains a strangely heady brew. Then again, so is unwashed flannel. Jesus, thank God teen pop came back into style. We're finally allowed to get haircuts again.

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Sum-41
"Fat Lip"
(0 stars)

Such a plethora of horrid images. Where to begin? Let's start with Blink 183's... err... Sum 41's blending of rap and punk. As if metal and rap weren't a terrible enough hybrid as it is, we now have to be subjected to bad pop punkers trying to do the rap thing. All these bands who think they can incorporate free styling rap into their songs should really go watch some Anthrax videos and learn from the only band that did it right. Now, the video. In the chorus to this song (which by all accounts is an ode to generic teenagers), the band says that they "don't want to become a casualty of society," nor do they want to be "a victim of conformity." Umm, guys? You have used every punk cliche in this video. You took the idiotic goofiness of Blink 182, the rip off sounds of Fenix Tx, showed a thousand kids dressed in the same "non conformist" manner, and made a video of it. They even included some Jackass type stunts for excitment. This video is conformity at its worst. What is different about Sum 41 that would make them stand out in a crowd? Nothing. They are just another generic poppy peppy punk band with snarls on their faces and a goofy sense of humor. Which bright mind in the band came up with the concept of "hey, we have a song about being non-conformists and bucking society, so let's make a video showing just how fucking generic and conformist we are!" Oh... is this supposed to be ironic? Bzzz. Sorry, irony is all the rage now. So even if that's what they were going for, it still makes them cliche. It doesn't help that the song sounds like every other Blink182/New Found Glory/Fenix Tx song out there. Please, somebody call me when this fad is over. I'll be in my room listening to the Dead Kennedys, trying to wash the stink of this video and band out of my mind.

reviewed by Michele C

Fatboy Slim
"Ya Mama"


Oh yes, you know "Ya Mama." I certainly do. (Thank her for me, by the way. I had a lovely time.) But seriously, folks, "Ya Mama" is the track that played in CHARLIE'S ANGELS (the new and spectacularly crap-tastic film version, not the TV show) every time one of the Angels did something remotely kung-fu-ish. You know the one --

Push the tempo, push the tempo, push the tempo-po push the tempo, etc. etc.
SHAKE WHAT YA MAMA GAVE YAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

What a fine little piece of symphonic brilliance it is. And Fatboy Slim does it justice with yet another friggin' wicked video -- has this man EVER released a stinker? Anyway, in this episode of Fatboy Slim's Bouncy Big-Beat Boogaloo, three crazy hillbillies get sent a mysterious audio tape containing -- yep, you guessed it -- "Ya Mama." They soon learn that anyone who hears the song is forced to uncontrollably and comically rock out, or shake what they mama gave them, if you will. Hilarity ensues, and before you know it, one of them's in jail and the whole affair has gone to shambles. It's a shame, really, because all they ever wanted was to watch cartoons. Rednecks and rockin' out -- two vital components to any good video (The Yucca Brothers are, of course, the exception. God, there are times when I really do mean it. FUCK MTV.), and this one's got 'em both in spades. God Bless Norman Cook. Now if only one of the rednecks was played by Christopher Walken...

(P.S. Thanks to our friends at the N.M.E., you can watch "Ya Mama" for free. Damn good quality, too. It'll only be up for so long, so check it out.)

reviewed by Chris Conroy

Blink-182
"The Rock Show"


You know, I started this review with a long-winded rant about how distinctly non-punk Blink-182 are. It was a rambling treatise about what punk means, where it's come from, all the usual rot. And then I realized: what the hell do you care? You come to FUCK MTV! to hear bitchy things said about your favorite (and least-favorite) pop stars. So fuck all that other noise, let's make fun of Blink-182, and if you reeeaaaallly feel a need to hear my thoughts on the aesthetics of punk, then bug me via e-mail and maybe I'll give it a go sometime.

So: this video. It's crap. The "let's drive around town and do wacky things" angle is not exactly fresh and original, let's face it, and although there is a very small amount of bratty charm in spending the record company's money in a ridiculous way, they did still cover their ass and film a portion of the video in a Hype Williams-style brushed-steel-walled container (complete with fisheye lens), so it's not exactly 100% low-fi down-and-dirty home video action like the band so desperately want you to believe it is.

Then, there's Mark Hoppus' glasses. Yes, the emo ones, with the thick black frames. I have NO IDEA what the FUCK he was thinking when he put those on. "Hmmm, Weezer has a hit record again, let's dress like them?" Or perhaps "The fact that we write songs about how hard it is to be in high school and have a girlfriend makes us emo, right?" I don't know too many self-respecting emo bands with the same ratio of dick-jokes to power-chords that your little tribe maintains, Mark-o, so maybe you'd better admit that you're making power-pop for twelve-year-olds and not sensitive rawk for shy, fuzzed-up hipsters. This really is the perfect video to the twelve-year-old mind: The band breaks shit and spits on the camera! Whooo! How cool is that when you're twelve? Unfortunately, however, 50% of American males under twenty-five also find it super-cool (One aside: If I ever again see the fucker who lived next door to me this year who blasted THE MARK, TOM, AND TRAVIS SHOW all fucking day and played God-awful covers of Blink songs on his fucking guitar ONLY when I was trying to study, I'm going to break something, and if I'm lucky it'll be his worthless beer-swilling jaw), proof positive that within ten years, when those shitheads enter politics, we're all going to be fucked even harder than we are now. If we're lucky, maybe Blink will catch on in China and they'll feel bad about nuking us into oblivion.

One star, and that's only for the scene with the hobo, because dickhead pop-rockers or no, that was kind of a nice thing to do. Although, as somebody said of this video recently -- I forget who, let me know if it was you -- if they're so damn punk-rock then why didn't they just give the 100-k to Food Not Bombs? What a disgrace.

reviewed by Chris Conroy